Dispatches from the colonies The House of Stattenfield continues its methodical expansion across the known network. Annexation proceeds by hostname Slowly, thoroughly, by hostname. Dispatches from the colonies The House of Stattenfield continues its methodical expansion across the known network. Annexation proceeds by hostname Slowly, thoroughly, by hostname.
House of Stattenfield The Stattenfield Empire Lente vincimus. Slowly, thoroughly, by hostname.

Proclamation

The Stattenfield Empire

A modest house, expanding at the pace of the late nineteenth century: one domain at a time, with maps, mottoes, and the occasional joke.

Lente vincimus.

The Colonial Office keeps this plate as a public accounting of present holdings: a Missouri laundromat beside satirical catalogs, lunch clubs, and other annexations that would have puzzled the Foreign Office and delighted a penny paper.

Plate I

Gazetteer of Possessions

Each row is a territory. The specimen is the public face of the colony, as currently flying.

SpecimenPossessionCharacterGazetteer
Bay Area Geeks Eat Lunch, a lunch-club homepage with a calendar.Bay Area Geeks Eat Lunch bayareageekseatlunch.com Annexed 2025Mess HallIf you are in the San Francisco Bay Area and like to eat in the middle of the day, there is a lunch club. The calendar is the whole government.Visit
Botox for Dogs, a canine rejuvenation spa homepage.Botox for Dogs botoxfordogs.com Annexed 2026ProtectorateA canine rejuvenation spa, written as if it were a real clinic. Smooth, youthful, dog-confident. No neuromodulator is administered. Consultations are not scheduled.Visit
The Brussel Sprouts Run event homepage.Brussel Sprouts Run brusselsproutsrun.com Annexed 2024ProtectorateThe original brussels-sprout-based footrace. Tickets, a schedule, and the promise of an after-party for people willing to run because of a vegetable.Visit
Cascade Paddle Club homepage, with canoes and camp photographs.Cascade Paddle Club canoefetish.com Annexed 2026Private HoldingA small fellowship of men who canoe, camp, and cook in the Northwest woods. Trip reports, a calendar, a little gear talk, and a long memory that claims 1954.Visit
Communion by Mail, a catalog of blessed grape juice, yeast, and crackers.Communion by Mail communionbymail.com Annexed 2026Ecclesiastical GrantBlessed communion supplies by post — juice, wine yeast, a claustrum fermentationis, unleavened crackers, and optional garb. Satirical. The pontiff is invented. Checkout is closed on purpose.Visit
Cornsplaining, a podcast about corn, Nebraska, and Midwest manners.Cornsplaining cornsplaining.com Annexed 2026ProtectorateMidwest wisdom, liberally applied. Unsolicited explanations about corn, Nebraska, and everything Midwestern — whether you asked or not.Visit
Dieting for Engineers, a spare blog of calorie arithmetic.Dieting for Engineers dietingforengineers.com Annexed 2012Technical PaperPractical diet and exercise advice, engineer-style. Calories in, calories out, written down as if it were a lab notebook and not a lifestyle brand.Visit
Flossing With Keith, a photographic archive of dental floss in notable places.Flossing With Keith flossingwithkeith.com Annexed 2026Personal ArchiveA photographic archive. Keith flosses — not as a metaphor — in interesting places, and, after a careful reading of the record, in history as well.Visit
Has The Rapture Happened, currently answering no.Has The Rapture Happened? hastherapturehappened.com Annexed 2025ObservatoryA public service. The answer, on most mornings, is no. The page is checked. The choir keeps singing.Visit
Penis Reduction Pills, a satirical patent-medicine catalog.Penis Reduction Pills penisreductionpills.com Annexed 2025Patent MedicineThe finest reducing placebos, shipped in large, well-labeled boxes. A nineteenth-century medicine-show energy, regrettably still at large on the modern packet network.Visit